Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Beyond the Seventh Door

The Forward

Free movie channels are free for a reason.

The Story

This movie is supposed to be about an ex-con and his girlfriend who rob a rich guy's castle, but get trapped in seven chambers of horror, which they must conquer or die. Sounds good in theory, right?
A quick example of a trap: The secondary character, a lady, falls through a trap door into a pit. Her boyfriend, the main character, stays at the top of this pit, and listens to her screaming in horror! What's wrong with the pit-chamber, you ask? Well, it seems there are three small holes on one of the walls. She yells up at the guy "There are holes! They're everywhere!"
There's a dead guy in the pit, conveniently enough, and "he looks like he drowned or something"! The old "dead" guy twitches as the poor girl tries to pluck a conveniently-placed screwdriver from his hands. She attempts to use the screwdriver to open a spontaneously-available hatch on the wall, by unscrewing small panels. After two screws are removed, water starts pouring into the room through the aforementioned three small holes.
Rather than continuing the unscrewing, she decides to stop, and whine at her boyfriend. She starts ripping off her clothing to plug the water-spraying holes. Now, here's the thing, if the water were rising, and the hole she fell through is in the roof, could she not just go back up the hole as the water rose? Of course not! The boyfriend goes back to a previous room that has an extension cord for some reason, and lowers it down to her.
The cord isn't long enough! He takes off his belt to make it a smidgen longer, and she gets ahold of it... but he can't pull her up because it'll break!
"Don't worry! The water will be gone soon!" he says.
"But I can't feel my legs!" the girl whines.
"You know, your legs, I never know[sic] how... how sexy they look!" he coyly states.
What a guy, huh?
Anyway, the water starts draining, exactly as the dude predicted. He hops on down, and warms up the girl's legs with his face, for some reason.
"Oh, make love to me!" the girl demands, as the screen fades out.
After a quick, four-second break, the scene cuts to the guy unscrewing the panel that his girlfriend was too useless to unscrew, previously.
The trap is defeated!
The man sees an open suitcase full of money on the other side of the screwed-on panel, and attempts to scream "I can't believe it!" but instead, a garbled mess of gibberish falls out of his face and goes to warp speed into the rear end of an unnamed mammal. A voice comes over a well-placed speaker, saying that our hero can just leave the treasure and walk out an honest man. Damn it, he came this far, he deserves SOMETHING, right? After some cautious examination, the man and his gal discover that the suitcase is attached to a bomb, via a lever and a very noticeable cable. The guy, acting on the side of caution, only grabs a couple bundles of money off of the top of the pile, then he and his girlfriend get into an elevator located right beside the suitcase, to leave the old man's castle.
Upon deciding that being free isn't good enough, our protagonist goes back up in the elevator. He starts grabbing bundles of whatever-the-hell-currency-that-is and wrapping them in his jacket.
The scene cuts away to a random hotel room that I have never seen before. The girlfriend is showering.
Back at the castle, we see our ol' friend being greedy and grabbing more and more bundles of cash. As he takes the last wad of dough, the lever lefts, and the bomb detonates.
Back at the hotel, a woman who looks nothing like the woman shown throughout the rest of the movie is crying on her bed. Some guy I've never seen before comes in, in a wheel-chair, and mutters something inaudible at the woman, then gives her "One thousand, as agreed." There's allegedly a sub-plot about this girl luring guys into the castle for this old man's kicks, but I've stopped caring. "One more thing," he adds, "you don't have to make love to all of them."

The Review

If it were possible to get over the main character's terrible accent, maybe I could understand a little more of whatever-the-Hell-was-going-on in this film.
Unfortunately, as it stands, there were about four sentences I could figure out, and all of them were by the girl or the old man.
The entire thing felt like a waste of time. I found no enjoyment in this film (if you care to call it that) and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. That's right, David, I won't ever make you watch this.
As if it wasn't clear enough, this movie is Canadian. Anyone surprised by that?

The Summary

There are no redeeming qualities here. If you read my review, thought to yourself "It can't be that bad!" and want to actually watch it, then you're stupid. Go away.

The GoodThe Bad
+I watched some pretty interesting
commercials while this was on TV.
-Terrible acting
-Terrible story
- Lazar (the star of this movie)
looks like the guy who played Liu
Kang in the Mortal Kombat movies,
except older and sculpted out of a
block of styrofoam by a monkey
that had been set on fire

Rating: 0/10


  1. Lol 0/10
    still good review

    keep it up

  2. i have never seen this film .. rating 0/10
    okay thats enough for me to keep it away from my eyes :D

  3. you must really hate this movie hah