Loco Roco

(As a note, someone pointed out to me that I have captcha enabled for comments -- I didn't mean to, I swear! It's disabled now, and thank you to that individual that pointed it out. :P Anyway, on with the review! Hope I don't step on anyone's toes...)

Graphics: 10/10

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The cartoony, 2D graphics are pretty, and eye-wateringly colorful. As far as smile-inducing graphics go, Loco Roco takes the cake.

Music and Sound: 1/10

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Sound effects are entirely negligible, and music is irritating as all Hell. Bizarre, screaming child-voices populate the entire game. *shudder*

Gameplay: 1/10

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In Loco Roco, you tilt the world, either slightly left or slightly right. This causes a yellow blob to roll either left or right, respectively. You can jump over tiny bumps in the landscape, get thrown about by automatic throwing-devices. The goal of the game is to eat flowers, causing the yellow blob to become larger. For certain parts of the game, you can split your blob into numerous mini-blobs, to fit through small tunnels and whatnot, then re-join them on the other side of the tunnel. This, in essence, is the entire game.

• Roll yellow blob through levels.
• Eat flowers to get fat.
• Split blob into mini-blobs to get through small spaces.
• Rejoin mini-blobs into single blob.
• Repeat.

The only quick-moving parts of the game are rollercoaster-esque, where you have no control of the game, and just watch things happen. Sometimes, there would be barriers in the way, and the game would insist that you hold still to get rid of it. The blob splits into mini-blobs automatically, they hop around helplessly for a bit, then the barrier removes itself. Moving on from there, you complete a level by getting to a random spot on the map. Usually, I play video games to get rid of boredom. This game, however, actually induces boredom.

Dialog and Story: 7/10

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There is no story, as far as I can tell, and a game like this benefits from the lack of storytelling. Just when you feel secure that nothing is going to try and explain the oddities to you, a little insect pops up and says "HI I'M LOCO ROCO'S FRIEND" and blabbers on, inanely.

Controls: 4/10

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The controls are decent; they do what they're supposed to, but what they're supposed to do is so dumb, boring and lame, that I can't possibly see myself giving this a decent mark.

Closing Comments

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Loco Roco is a boring dumbass-fest of stuff that purposely makes no sense, and only frustrates me in doing so. This game might be suitable to kids that are new to video games, and have no expectations whatsoever, but to those of us with even the slightest of standards, I'd recommend something more fun, like mowing the lawn.

Rating: 2/10

Bravoman (Wii Virtual Console release)

Graphics: 7/10

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I'm not an incredibly avid TurboGraphix16 fan, so I can't tell you whether these graphics are better or worse than what the system was capable of. The graphics get the job done on the Wii Virtual Console, but there's nothing astounding, here. Backgrounds are entirely unnoteworthy.

Music and Sound: 2/10

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I don't even remember any music. All I remember is a low-quality sound of Bravoman shouting "Bravo!" every time he moves. Ugh.

Gameplay: 6/10

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It's an absurdly normal brawler/platformer type game. As Bravoman, you leap through levels and attack enemies. Some areas seem stupidly hard, while some seem like there should have been something more. The core gameplay isn't awful, but most of the actual play is.

Dialog and Story: 1/10

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Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!

Controls: 7/10

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The controls work well enough, but they feel sort of wonky on the sideways Wii remote. Perhaps I just need to play it on a different controller.

Closing Comments

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The mechanics behind Bravoman are decent enough, but the levels are messed up, the audio is rotten, and the controls feel sloppy on the default Wii controller. Nothing significant sets this title apart from, say, a big piece of wood.

Rating: 5/10